November is National Family Caregivers Month. Whether it’s a parent, spouse or child, caregiving can be stressful, isolating and cause a financial strain on a family, but you are not alone. There are places and people who can help you navigate those big decisions.
“At the beginning, I would notice just subtle things and I thought maybe it was a one time event, things like losing his keys, or his glasses or his wallet, or his jacket, forgetting how to get home when he’s driving, not being able to add up the tip on a bill at a restaurant, some of those little things, or forgetting someone’s name. As those became patterns, I knew something was different,†said Mary Towery.Â
Towery’s husband would soon be diagnosed with dementia, and like most spouses, as their vows stated - in sickness and in health - Towery adapted to the changes, providing care on her own.
“I didn’t think about him going somewhere outside the home for several years until I was in the thick of things,†she said. “Trying to work fulltime as well as having caregivers in the home, later on using adult day care, and it still just became too much.â€
As Towery focused on the increasing needs of her husband, she pushed her own needs to the side.
“As far as overwhelming, there wasn’t a time where I could just leave him and go to the grocery store, or go get gas, or just leave and go out with girlfriends to lunch,†she explained.
She was providing 24/7 care. Towery then made the difficult decision to move him into an assisted living facility that provided memory care.
“This is a big change. It took me several months to not feel guilty, for myself to adjust. Actually he adjusted quite well, within the first couple of days, it surprised me. He adjusted very well, it just took me a while to adjust, but it’s much better, the burden is lifted,†she added. “I can come in and visit him and it can all be very positive, but I'm not trying to make him take a shower or do anything specific, I’m not having to be his nurse. I can be his wife. I’m not his caregiver, I’m his wife and it makes a world of difference.â€
Accepting the help and support that’s available, Towery and her husband’s quality of life has improved drastically.
“I'm less stressed, less overwhelmed. I was able to retire in peace and do things I’ve always wanted to do like going out to lunch with girlfriends for example. I couldn't do that for several years or go see an event in the evenings, do some of those things and I'm able to come and see him here during his best time or go to events here,†she said with a smile. “They have a lot of activities, so I’m able to participate with him in some of those activities.â€
Towery now encourages others to not be afraid to seek help and to look into the resources available. She knows firsthand how important it is to support caregivers, just as much as those they are caring for.
